Cruella Cashes in While Pawning Her Kids
1: While Cruella St. Shackles was busy buying herself new boobs, two things happened: 1) She knew she’d never have to worry about the bill, and, 2) she knew it would help her in her life-long mission numero uno: to stay vital, sexy and—most importantly—ahead of the game in the press.
See, media coverage is so important to Cruella, she’ll do anything to be portrayed as the sympathetic sexy muffin she most certainly ain’t.
She’s even stooped low enough to…
Barter her own children!
Yep, absolute fact: Cruella’s offspring have not only complained that they will “go to the press” if they get used for any more press (mainly photo ops), but, the mom who makes Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest look like June Friggin’ Cleaver also trades information on her kiddies out to journalists, just so they’ll write nicer, more wholesome copy about her.
I’m sorry, but, maybe we could give a little breather to the outrage we all feel towards gay actors who intentionally lie about their sexuality, in order to get ahead. ‘Cause whoring out your children (ya know, involving others in your hunger for stardom who arguably have no choice in the matter) is just as bad, if not far worse.
Oh, and if you’re wondering why one of the many men in Cruella’s storied life doesn’t swoop in and do something about how she uses her kiddos like magazine-copy currency, well, let’s say the one who’s best able to (as he’s got the deepest pockets and the most fame) is already pretty legally encumbered, and busy, as it is.
Getting those t*tanic-sized monthly checks to Cruella is pretty much a Herculean effort in itself, you know. And, girlfriends, does she ever cash them—can’t wait to see what St. Shackles’ next set of knockers look like!
And it ain’t: Tatum O’Neal, Jada Pinkett Smith, Melanie Griffith
Previously excluded: Calista Flockhart, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Eva Longoria Parker, Fergie, Jennifer Garner, Joan Rivers, Kristen Stewart, Melanie Griffith, Michelle Obama, Naomi Campbell, Rachael Ray, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sarah Palin and Victoria Beckham.
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2: Not all of our Blind Vices are totally upsetting. In fact, today’s bonus job is a total riot!
Some of you might remember Teddy O’Bong from his days on the big screen, but recently, the scruffy dude has been making his appearances on network television. In fact, it was his antics at a wrap party for his latest on-air gig that’s got us all happy-go-lucky. Though maybe not as much as him:
Teddy isn’t exactly the most talented dude we know, but he’s always likeable, y’see, and easy to approach. And it turns out, now we know exactly why!
At a semi-recent pricey wrap party for Teddy’s latest show, Photo Op, the dude was apparently stoned out of his mind the entire night. We’re talking bloodshot eyes, philosophical musings, and everything else that comes with a little puff of the ganja!
A lowly crew member who worked on the show was hangin’ out on the patio when, wouldn’t ya know it, O’Bong trotted on up and offered the chick’s beau a joint, how incredibly gracious. However, the rather shocked guy politely said no, but Teddy wasn’t too upset. He scooted on over to another end of the party and made his offer again. Score!
Then, Teddy hit up the karaoke machine, and started jamming. Naturally, the guy wouldn’t share the mic with anyone and hogged the whole thing all night long. Literally. And as far as how angelic his voice was (usually, he can hold a tune)…well, he was high as a kite, so just imagine how good that was.
We say, let loose, dude, and keep on flyin’ high: pretty much everyone seems to be enjoying his happy nature (even his sometimes-scowly sometimes-girlfriend). We’ve seen his old work…maybe it’s method acting?
And It Ain’t: Taylor Kitsch, Zachary Levi, Ian Somerhalder, James Franco
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This week’s exclusions:
Moisty Mohr is not Bobby Flay or Seth MacFarlane.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Taylor Kitsch have not been BVs.
For those keeping score, of the people mentioned this week:
-Marky Sweet-Puss and Cruella St. Shackles aren’t any of these couples.
-Moisty Mohr is not any of these people.
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