Kristen Stewart Twilight

Are Secretia and Chester Getting Sloppy?

Well, we already knew the gays live to push the wild and crazy sex card, what with kinky guys like Nelly Fang and Crotch Uh-Lastic. But who knew the straights were so good at being daring, too? Always thought you folks were a bit more behind-closed-door types. Learn something new every day, huh?

Just like Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off, our newly arrived Blind Vice swingers are learning more lovin’! Ohhh, do tell:

As we told you last, Secretia and Chester are pretending like it’s 1969, or something, and attending select Hollywood parties where they throw car keys into bowls and have sex with whichever partyer’s keys they pull out.

And you people say us gays are kinky!

Jeez, I like to actually choose a partner before having sex, is that so old-fashioned? Apparently so, according to Secretia and Chester, who have made quite the name for themselves, as most people who attend these catered orgies aren’t nearly as famous as is the beautiful couple.

But two things are taking this very sultry sitch to a new level: One, Secretia has started stepping out on her own for private affairs. And even though the twosome has an agreement that this is OK, Secretia’s really going a bit overboard (as she’s done with many of her previous relationships, monogamy’s never really been her thing).

Chester just fools around once in awhile, which is what he’d hoped Secretia would do, as well.

No such luck.

And secondly, Chester and Secretia have been in the rags a bit more than usual lately. Their profile’s higher—as are the chances that somebody from one of these Hollywood sex parties is going to blab to the tabloids. Which is usually the case in these types of situations.

Or have they spilled already?

And it ain’t: Kobe and Vanessa Bryant, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis
Previously excluded: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller, David and Victoria Beckham, Diane Lane and Josh Brolin, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, Natalie Maines and Adrian Pasdar, Rebecca Gayheart and Eric Dane, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, Tiger and Elin Woods, Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen and Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith.

1

Topher Hairy-Tuchus is not George Clooney.

Henrietta Hard-Ball and Elijah Schwad are an “established” couple who “have had their superskanky arrangement for a while now.” Ted ran a letter from a Sarah Palin supporter who was angry that the popular opinion on the Awful Truth message boards is that she is Henrietta and that Ted couldn’t “debate Palin on the actual issues” and instead had to “resort to slander.” Ted made no effort to eliminate Sarah and only defended Palin’s Hollywood “swag suite” participation.

This week gave us a lot on Nevis Divine. He is not Chris Evans (“Think less beefy. Like, lots,”) Adrian Grenier (“on the right path in terms of body size, but think more relevant. Nevis definitely has a more recognizable name than Grenier,”) Jeremy Renner (“Nevis has never been nominated for as big of an award as Jeremy, but he sure would love to be”) or Anton Yelchin (“he’s far from Nevis’ level of notoriety. Like…eons. Think bigger, more dazzling really.”) When asked if Nevis is “on regular television,” Ted would only confirm that he’s “sure you’ve seen him on your TV before. Often.” He is considered an A-lister by some (“[it] depends who you ask”) and is “definitely well-known.” Nevis acts “in the same age group” as Channing Tatum, but Ted wouldn’t get specific on how Nevis’ real age compared to Tatum’s. No word on whether his lady friend is also bisexual, though she “is open minded, to say the least. But you would be too to put up with Nev’s scandalous ways.” Nevis has not yet portrayed a gay character, though he has “explored the more…complicated side of sexuality.”

Crescent Kumquat “has been flying under the radar lately. He’s been more focused on nailing his acting roles than nailing D.L. dudes.”

Me-Me Dallas and Tobey Yum-Yum are “not exactly” together, but, even though “Me-Me’s heart is currently occupied elsewhere” it “won’t last and Tobey will then again be one of Me-Me’s preferred boy-toys.”

Marky Sweet-Puss and Cruella St. Shackles “are still up to their super kinky ways, but that’s not what you’ll hear about them. Actually, if you’ve heard about them at all lately it was probably praising the duo.”

Secretia Ohio’s figure is neither curvy or stick thin. “She tends to fall somewhere in the middle. But my, my what a sexy figure she has.”

The jury is out on whether Peter Sarsgaard, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes or Jeremy Piven have been the subjects of a BV. Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles have been (which we’ve already known since forever.) Robert Pattinson has been the star of his own BV and appeared as a supporting character in another. Robert Downey Jr. has been a BV “a while ago,” but he is not Toothy Tile or Nevis Divine. Adam Brody, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling have not been BV subjects, though “Ryan so should be, but not yet! Soon!” Jeremy Renner “hasn’t made his Blind Vice debut yet—though I’m sure he feels like he has these days.”

Obligatory Toothy Tile mention: Toothy “still wouldn’t publicly come out—not yet, at least,” even “the whole country could actually know who [he] was.” Toothy allegedly reads and “loves” Ted’s column, but is sad about his double life.

Scorecard:

-Topher Hairy-Tuchus is not Adrien Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Chris Pine, Colin Farrell, Daniel Radcliffe, Eddie Cibrian, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Philippe, Tom Cruise or Will Smith.

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Posted on Saturday, March 20th, 2010 in rssmi 5 Photos